


Coffee planned explosions

by clarency



Category: Hogan's Heroes, Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: First Meetings, Gen, crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-10
Updated: 2012-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 01:16:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarency/pseuds/clarency
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was kaboom at first sight. Bonding while making exploding things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee planned explosions

**Author's Note:**

> A all conversation style written story. Ezra Standish enters Stalag 13 and bonds with Andrew Carter surprisingly quickly over exploding things and good havoc creating. In the middle of it the rest of the Stalag 13 crew are confused and try to figure out if Ezra is a spy for the Germans.  
> Like my other stories, a little crackish.

”Now, you should put some of…yes…that bottle there,” 

“You’re sure about that?” 

“Listen Andrew, I knew how to work explosives before you even had your first hormonal thought about making things go boom,” 

“You don’t have to get snappy about it Ez,” 

“For the last time- it’s Ez-Ra. Two syllables, it’s really not that hard,” 

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!” 

“Hi Colonel Hogan, Ez is helping me to improve the bomb for that bridge we’re knocking out later,” 

“Sergeant Standish arrived to the camp yesterday Carter,” 

“Yeah…?” 

“What made you skip procedure and tell him about the operations? He could be a German spy for all we know!” 

“I beg you pardon? You’re calling me a spy, Sir? I’m insulted,” 

“He thinks every new guy arriving here is a spy Ez, don’t take it personal,” 

“Carter!” 

“Sorry boy, I mean Sir,” 

“Colonel Hogan is your superior officer, mate. You haven’t greeted him properly,” 

“Well, mate, I arrived yesterday and greeted him according to procedure. I thought that was a proper greeting in my word of book. I even said hello and asked him about his health.” 

“That sure is a proper greeting,” 

“See, Andrew agrees with me….NO, DON’T TOUCH THAT! Seriously Corporal LeBeau, you wish to blow us all into pieces?” 

“I don’t understand, this is coffee,” 

“That’s not coffee LeBeau, Ezra here made it into a special kind of liquid he was learned how to make in school. It’s supposed to make the bridge blow up really well,” 

“Not just really well if I may say so, it will blow up damn well. Just put a little of this bottle, and this bottle here together and the Germans can kiss their charming bridge farewell,” 

“Are you actually rubbing your hands in excitement mate?” 

“So what if I am? And please don’t call me mate, I really don’t know you all that well for you to call me that kind of endearment,” 

“Excuse me? Remember me? The Colonel. How did I get lost in this conversation? Do I have a big sign on my head that says invisible or what?” 

“I’m just ignoring you Sir, I need to put the final touches on the liquid….for the love of all the Aces in a poker game Andrew, did you seriously just put sugar in my explosive coffee?” 

“Well, if we can make the aftermaths of the explosion smell a little bit sweeter, it doesn’t have to get stuck on us and the guards won’t feel the smell and wont suspect us of blowing up their dinner,” 

“You’re planning on blowing up their dinner?” 

“Yeah,” 

“May I ask why Carter?” 

“ Well Sir, they were being mean to Kinch before and I want them to get their food ruined,” 

“That is a lovely idea. Poor Mister Kinch is a Gentleman and need to get his revenge; we should blow up their boots as well, or even better. Let’s put colour in their shampoo,” 

“That’s A Great Idea,” 

“Kinch, did Standish just make Carter speak in capital letters?” 

“Yes he did Colonel,” 

“Oh Boy,” 

“If you want my opinion Sir, I don’t think he’s a Kraut,” 

“I’m not so sure myself,” 

“Colonel Hogan?” 

“Yes Sergeant Standish?” 

“Is it because of you that everyone is asking me about the latest score in a game I know NOTHING about? I don’t even like sport that much. And all these fake questions about fake names in fake places…what is the meaning of that? Just ask me straight out if there’s anything you wish to know,”

“So would actually give me a correct answer if I asked you control questions Sergeant?” 

“Most likely,” 

“Carter?” 

“Yeah Sir?” 

“Why are you giggling?” 

“I’m not giggling Sir,” 

“You were giggling,” 

“Let’s just put it this way, don’t play poker with Ez,” 

“Very well then, my mother raised me to become a conman. So I would most likely be able to infiltrate this little charming place if I was working for the Germans. But I’m not, and I don’t appreciate any finger pointing that will indicate otherwise. I’m the best conman in the States and I would be a damn good asset to this Operation with my skills. I was having plans on leaving Stalag 13 as soon as I could, but when I realised what you Gentlemen were doing, I knew that I needed to assist you in any way possible,” 

“Why?” 

“Because it would piss of my mother to Mississippi and back for eternity that I would do something for others without any chance for money or reward,” 

Silence

“Let me get this straight Mon Ami, you would be willing to become a Spy for the Allies, risk your life every day, every hour just so you could piss of your mother?” 

“Yes,” 

“You must have a really weird relationship with your mother, mate,” 

“Corporal, you have no idea,” 

“Call me Newkirk,” 

“Conman?” 

“Yes, conman. That was my mother’s plans for me, I didn’t agree with her,” 

“So you joined the army instead?” 

“No I got myself a fancy uniform and faked my way to get a rank that suited the flow of my name best,” 

“I can’t actually tell if you’re serious or kidding Sergeant,” 

“I think he’s going to be a lovely addition to the Operation Sir,” 

“I think we need to wrap this up as soon as possible Colonel, looks like our mate Carter here is getting a bit fidgety,”

“I am not!” 

“You so are!” 

“Not!” 

“Are!” 

“Knock it off boys!” 

“Look, give me and Andrew 2 more hours and this stuff is going to be ready to make go boom. Then all of you people can grill me to make sure that I’m a friend of the Allies,” 

“You sound frustrated Mon Ami,” 

“You would be to if you just ran into a whole bunch of Larabee wannabees,” 

“What?” 

“Never mind…DAMN IT ANDREW!” 

“Now what?” 

“Will you stop pouring the damn sugar into the coffee?” 

“I’m thinking of adding some milk. Do you think it will smell like warm whipped milk during the explosion if I do?” 

“Hmmm, you my friend have some wonderful ideas” 

“Colonel, I think you should let the two of them work and then if the explosion is real good, we can hire him and give him a contract,”

“You think so don’t you Newkirk?” 

“We’ll, we won’t really pay him, but if he’s as good as he says he is, this can be interesting,” 

“Hey listen, that fat guard out there? Wultz…”

“Schultz,” 

“Whatever. My question is, would he give some information for some pecan pie?” 

“Non, you are not taking talking over my cooking you crazy American!” 

“LeBeau focus! What kind of information did you want?” 

“A woman in the Gestapo….”

“We can find you another woman, mate. You don’t need a woman working for those fellas,” 

“Will you let me finish Corporal?” 

“Sorry,”

“Let me rephrase what I meant. There’s an American woman working for the Gestapo, I need to know where the hell she’s located,” 

“Why haven’t we heard about this traitor before?”

“I don’t the Allies knows about her, but rest assured I do. She came to Germany before the war and found herself a wealthy German officer that got her into the higher ranks. She’s the reason why I wanted to leave the camp, but maybe I can find her by staying here as well,” 

“We need to fix that bridge first, but after that, tell us everything you know about her, we’ll help you look if you pass our control questions. But right now, I speak for all of us when I say, welcome to the Operations of Stalag 13 Sergeant Ezra Standish,” 

“Thank you Colonel, I won’t let you down,” 

“Standish, I believe you. I actually believe you,” 

“For the love of Texas Hold ‘Em Andrew, NO MORE SUGAR!” 

“Somehow, I think he’s going to drive us as mad as Carter, wont he Colonel?” 

“I think he’s going to suit us just fine Newkirk,”


End file.
